As many of you know (and have asked), I had a bit of a health scare with Anakin about a week and a half ago. One that left me with many more questions than answers - which for me is way more difficult to process. The silence in the exam room hangs with me still. The vet and I watched over Anakin lying flat out on the floor while he received fluids - not opening his eyes, barely moving at all. She knelt there without words. I'm sure trying to make sense of things that didn't make sense as did I. I more or less held my breath not wanting emotion to come flowing out while my heart was pulling out of my chest, and the thought that kept catching me off guard every time I wasn't purposely being careful was, "I'm not ready".
Oh those painful words... how they hurt my heart. The even more painful part of this truth is knowing that I will never be ready. If my heart and soul could be walking around outside my body they would be in Anakin. He is without a doubt a soulmate. He was divinely sent to me and has been a guardian angel by my side for over 9 years now.
The care he has given me and I to him has been absolute and unequivocal. I can't imagine my life without him... I don't ever want to say goodbye... I will never be ready. I try to get ahead of it somehow - to study symptoms, think about all the possibilities and what ifs, to figure out a way to buy more time, but I know at some point time will win. It always does. The fact of the matter is we can't outrun time and we never know how much time we have left... although I'm sure it will feel like never enough.
And so, I do what I can and choose to be brave. I work on strengthening my understanding and acceptance - knowing that we all have a purpose and there is a time for all things. I focus on appreciating what a gift Anakin's life is and how very blessed I am. I think about how I can cherish each day with him doing all the things he loves - which is most of the time just giving love to others. I've become a better person in so many ways in the company of this angel. My tears seem to be just proof that my cup runneth over with overwhelming love. I try to find a spot away from Anakin to allow the tears that want to rain. He would want to console me in some way, bless his heart, but this is a hurt he cannot make go away (or so I think). I find a safe spot upstairs to let the tears come tumbling down. Then, who finds me? Bodhi.
This sweet 8 month old puppy finds my face and pushes his soft muzzle into my cheek. He sniffs and licks away tears until I stroke his neck and thank him for his love. Bodhi is sometimes so different than Anakin, and then sometimes so very much the same. I give Bodhi some love back and then Anakin finds me too (both literally and figuratively speaking).
There it is, in that moment of immeasurable happiness, these boys bring me the reminder that love can change everything in a moment. My heart was healed in that moment when more love was poured into it. It's easy to forget sometimes just how powerful love is, and sometimes we all need a reminder.
I hope in some way this serves just that purpose for all of you. It's February 1st - the month of love. Love is all around. Give it. Receive it. Share it. Be well.
With Love and Gratitude, Meg
p.s. Anakin is doing very well and is his happy, loving self ! He sends his love too! :)